I walked up to the library, as I did the past few weeks to get some of my events work done, with a heavy heart today. I’ve been in this continuous cycle of loving my life and hating myself over and over the past couple of years. I love my life— I have a wonderful and supportive husband, loving, adorable kids, a nice home, clothes on my back, and good food on the table. But I’m also constantly tired, frustrated not having a regular income, and hating myself for not reaching the “goals” I have set for myself (physically, financially, and yes, even in my writing). And today was one of those days when I just need to get out of the house to clear my head.

As I was leaving the house, my water bottle spilled inside my bag— a canvas tote, and it carried all the water inside (not one drip out!). I only noticed when I put the bag in the car. My Remarkable notebook, laptop, and makeup kit submerged in what looked like more than an inch of water. Nothing was turning on. FML!!!!

Thankfully, I left my iPad charging so I grabbed that and another notebook instead. I still need to get out of the house, now more than ever. I was in tears as I left Warren about to blow-dry my laptop.

When I parked I got a text from Warren telling me to pray. So I did, hoping I can find my center to get things done, or at least figure out what files I need and if I have them on the cloud or not. I know I’m being pushed out of my comfort zone, or maybe God has distracted me because He has other plans. So in my prayer, I also asked, “God, what are you telling me right now?”

So walking up, I saw a book— or I would like to think, this book found me. The Right to Write by Julia Cameron.

The first few pages was speaking directly to me. Before I know it, I spent an hour immersed in the book, and inspired to write. Her first challenge was to write where I am.

So here I am.

Is this God’s message to me today? More than likely, yes. I always come back to this, my first love. Whenever I am lost on what I want to do, I reflect and remember I love writing. Whenever my heart gets broken, I go back to writing. Whenever I’m on a high and think of what I want to do next, I’d think, I want to write for Jesus. I always write, but I don’t always publish. A

This time, as I work on myself, my faith and my life, pray that I get to keep my first love.